see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
