She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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