Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I skipped work to stalk him.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
