Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize