Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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