Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
