I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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