he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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