I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
The power of my boobs compel you
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
