shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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