Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
