It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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