New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
