My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
