I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
