How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
