Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
