My liver just broke up with me...
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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