Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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