I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
