I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
