Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
