there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
