Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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