Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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