You can't motorboat a personality
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Semen is not good for contacts.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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