I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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