why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
the raccoons are back...
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