Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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