Where did you get a picture of my penis
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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