After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
