He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
