Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
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