I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
