The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
it's great music for shaving your balls
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
