That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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