I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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