If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
