Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Im just a social blackout drinker.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
