totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
