i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
