You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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