apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
