I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
