The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize