the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Randomize
