Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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