I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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