My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
