I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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