Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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