just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
