I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
