tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
