can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
