eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
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