went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
The adults are the big ones right?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
