we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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