I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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