She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
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