oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
