he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
