I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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