I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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