he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
zippers are such a cool invention
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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