And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I think i got beer on your cat.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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