I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
We named our party play list daddy issues
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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