haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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