I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
